RGttF: CHAPTER FOUR: PREPARING FOR THE NEXT JOB

“UP AND AT 'EM! IT'S MORNING!”

I was suddenly very painfully aware that Olivia was shouting at me.

Then, I realized that I was actually painfully aware that I was not a morning pony.

I forced my eyes open, and saw that Trixie was looking just as disoriented and confused as I thought I probably looked. She groaned, and I followed suit. “Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy-” I moaned, before my brain switched tactics without so much as telling me (it was very rude). “Seven-and-a-half more minutes,” I pleaded, and, succumbing to the state of being awake, I managed to say, “better yet, three more days.”

Olivia sighed. “What am I, your mother? Can't anypony other than myself get up in the morning without making a big deal of it?”

“I'm sorry, mommy,” I lied, “I'll be a good little filly! I promise!”

Trixie and I wriggled out of the tent, somehow, and Olivia met us with a grimace. “Be glad I decided to make some coffee,” she said, gesturing to a pot in the fire, “we need to head into town today.”

Trixie poured two cups of coffee and levitated one to me. “Do we really need to go to Ponyville? I don't have a single fond memory of the place.”

“Have you ever spent the night there? The accommodations are awful,” I deadpanned, “you practically have to sleep standing up.”

“I still can't believe Twilight would do that,” Trixie said, “we're not friends by any definition of the word, but she's not a pony who I'd expect to go to such drastic measures over something she's only suspicious about...”

“Well, unless you guys took down that Hydra for free, you're gonna come with me to collect the bounty. We could also do with getting some more supplies. RG, you should probably find a more economic source of ammunition- using bits is kinda ridiculous. Trixie, you should probably find-”

“A bigger tent,” Trixie said excitedly, “and maybe some supplies for enchanting...”

Olivia rolled her eyes. “I was going to suggest that you pick up a tent for RG to use, but if the tent-sharing thing is going to happen every night, then I guess that's the best option...”

I noticed that the ground wasn't particularly wet, and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. “Wasn't it supposed to rain?”

Olivia nodded. “It was supposed to, but it didn't. I was hoping to go and see what the problem is later today, actually.”

“Oh! Maybe I should see how much nails cost,” I wondered aloud, “nails are probably pretty cheap, right? And, as a bonus, they're pointy.”

Trixie grinned. “Point taken.”

Olivia groaned. “Celestia's mane, I'm surrounded by crazy ponies.”

“Technically,” I corrected her, “we only surround you on one side.” Trixie was sitting between Olivia and I, so I stood and darted around the fire, taking the long route to illustrate my point, and ending with Trixie and I on either side of our winged companion, leaving her with only two points of escape (and one of them was definitely less preferable than the other, because it happened to be on fire).

Trixie laughed. “She's a pegasus,” she stated, rendering my flanking maneuver pointless (heh heh), “we'd need some ropes to keep her down before we could flank her.”

“Don't worry,” Olivia droned, “if we had rope, I'd use it to hang myself first.”

“From what? If there was something overhead that you could hang yourself from, then you wouldn't be able to escape that way, so we wouldn't need the ropes.”

Trixie nodded. “This mare speaks the truth.”

“How long before that coffee kicks in and you're awake enough to trick everypony into believing you're at least relatively sane?”

“You've known me longer than I have,” I said, “you tell me.”

Olivia made a distressed face. “I can't even tell if you've started making sense or not.”

“You know what they say,” Trixie said, “when in doubt...” Trixie frowned. “Wait, how does that saying go again?”

I shrugged, suddenly feeling very... monotone. I spent all of two seconds that way. I spasmed a little as the coffee did its job, and a quick glance at Trixie told me that she was doing the same- albeit with a slight shiver instead of spasms.

“I believe it is “When in doubt, caffeine!” or something to that effect,” Olivia said cheerfully.

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The mayor of Ponyville smiled at me. She had glasses, but the lenses were only semi-circles. Her mane was gray, and her coat was a light brown color. I don't know what her cutie mark was, because I don't go around staring at the flank of every mare I meet.

“Your exploits are truly amazing,” she said, “here is your reward.” She hoofed me a rather large sack of bits. She paused as she did so, because, as an earth pony, she had to use her mouth to hold the bag.

I levitated the bag of money into my saddlebags. 'What does she mean by “exploits”, anyways? We killed a Hydra. One Hydra. For money. That's one exploit. Singular.'

“Three thousand bits, as advertised.”

Olivia stepped forward a bit.“Do you have any more bounties available?”

The mayor thought for a moment. “Yes, I believe we do.” She turned and plucked a piece of paper, crisp and slightly brown, off of her desk (with impressive dexterity- when you consider the fact that she did it with her mouth), then presented it to us. Trixie levitated it in front of Olivia, who read it.

“Kobolds... hmm.” Olivia looked at Trixie. “Twenty-thousand bits to 'deal with' a small tribe of Kobolds- apparently, they've been raiding farms and homes near the Everfree Forest.”

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “That's... a lot of money.” She met my curious gaze. “That's... five-thousand bits is enough to buy a pony a nice little house.”

“Nice,” I said, “that means I could buy ton of other, cooler stuff!” I frowned. “Wait, how would we split twenty-thousand three ways?” Before I could ask anymore questions, I picked up on the mayor's less-than-eager expression, Trixie's conflicted countenance, and the face that Olivia made the last time she provided expositional dialogue.

“Olivia, please encyclopedia me,” I said, now feeling very curious. “I am just realizing that 'raiding' is something that involves planning- or at least coordination- and a desire for material... stuff.”

“Kobolds- the 'probably-sentient tiny bipedal lizard' monsters

“Kobolds are believed to be intelligent by most everypony. They are clever little carnivores who use traps and weapons- which they hold in their small, scaly hoofs with their vicious little opposable thumbs- to capture and kill their prey. Kobolds appear to form small, tribal cultures, each of which has its own language. This diversity of language, combined with the small size of their tribes- each tribe may have fifteen to thirty members- makes them very difficult to study and understand, let alone negotiate with.

“Most Kobold tribes are ferociously territorial, and will attack any creature foolish enough to enter their territory, to the point that they would sooner be slaughtered than allow anypony to trespass. The trouble with this is that Kobolds, while believed to be 'intelligent' and 'clever', tend to be quite stupid, reckless, and aggressive.

“All of these factors have contributed to a rapid decline in Kobold population, because the ponies that travel through Kobold territory are generally tough adventurers or other, similarly formidable ponies.”

I grimaced. “Essentially, you're telling me that we're expected to do one of two things. One: we somehow negotiate and make peace with a viciously territorial race of lizard-” I paused, not sure what the word I was looking for was.

“People,” the mayor said helpfully, “groups of non-ponies are called 'people'.”

I nodded. “...lizard-people who use traps and weapons to defend their homes and raid ponies' homes and farms, or, two: hunt down and kill a tribe of fifteen to thirty sentient lizard-people.”

Olivia nodded. “We knew it wouldn't be glamorous when we decided to become monster hunters,” she said, “but this is our job, too. Either way, if we don't do something, it'll just get worse.”

“I was planning on using my cut to get us some nice, enchant-able gear- you know, to help us do our job whilst also improving my enchanting... I might be able to make something that'll help,” Trixie said, “I'll look into it.”

“I'll go by the library, see if I can't learn any magic that might help...” I sighed. “I'll do that after I've done everything else I can think of.”

“I... I think I'm gonna invest in some armor,” Olivia said uneasily, “you know... just in case.” She paused. “RG, in the decade I've known you, you've never failed to do something ridiculous and cause everything to turn out fine. You're pretty good at making things, especially things that can be used to harm other things. You might be able to whip up something that'll impress the Kobolds- I'm sure that they're just as susceptible to bribes as dragons.”

I looked at her with my what-did-you-just-say face. “Are you implying that I've bribed a dragon before?”

“I said dragons. Plural. As in, you have successfully bribed dragons several times in the past.”

I frowned. “I don't buy it. I'm not charismatic enough for that.”

“I never said you smooth-talked them. I said you bribed them. You've just always had something that amazed them enough to want it.”

“What kind of weapons do the Kobolds use?”

“... I think they use little spears.”

I frowned. “And they hunt? That sounds difficult... can they use magic?”

“Nopony's ever witnessed a Kobold using any sort of magic.”

Trixie giggled. “I sense that there is mischief ahoof.”

Olivia grimaced. “Really? What do you think we should do about it?”

I grinned as the ideas coalesced in my mind. “We make the mischief.”

Olivia gave a relieved-sounding groan/sigh. It sounded pretty weird. “Well, you heard 'em, miss mayor,” she said, “we'll take the job.”

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I exited the hardware store approximately a hundred bits lighter, though the several boxes of nails and the two-pony tent probably offset the weight loss pretty effectively. The fact that my saddlebags were 'saddle-bags of holding' rendered the whole point moot, but I like to spice up the narrative from time to time.

'I should probably get a hatchet,' I thought, 'I'll need to be able to cut wood and stuff to make... weapon stuff... now, where do I get a hatchet?' I turned around and went back into the hardware store to 'bury the hatchet'.

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Twenty bits (and a really really awkward exchange with the storekeeper that resulted in her giving me her address for some reason) later, I realized something. 'Houses are either really cheap, or really small... Or maybe hatchets are expensive?' I shrugged. 'I don't really have anything else I can do to avoid the library,' I thought, 'which means that I'm gonna have to mare up and deal with it. After all, I'd rather deal with whatever Twilight Sparkle's problem is than murder fifteen to thirty probably-intelligent-beings.'

I made my way to the library at a decent pace- I wasn't taking my time, but I wasn't in a rush to see the 'library princess', either. Judging from the book I'd written to myself, alicorns were, essentially, physical goddesses. Immortal, incredibly powerful, and loved by pretty much everypony- Celestia more so than Luna and the others, because she was apparently the most powerful of them all.

I decided that it was only fair to not be over-eager to encounter a physical goddess that I had already displeased.

I reached the library without any trouble. Just when I was about to be thoroughly disappointed with the lack of diversions, the door to the library swung open and a rainbow shot out. I managed, somehow, to mostly dodge the mysterious rainbow. Unfortunately for my left hind leg, close only counts in shoes and spells or explosives that are potent enough to be effective over a sufficiently large area.

'Wow,' I thought, 'no wonder Trixie's Prismatic Beam spell was so powerful. Rainbows hurt.' I then realized that the cyan pegasus with the rainbow mane and cutie mark that was a cloud releasing a bolt of rainbow-lightning.

The rainbow-in-mare-form groaned, then shook her head. “Sorry!” She began to grope at the ground around her, searching for something. My super-detective skills told me that it was probably a book, because the primary source of books is the library, and the mare probably wouldn't have gotten a book anywhere else! So, logically, it was the only possible answer.

'Wait a second, that didn't make any sense,' I thought, 'I must have logic-ed before, without even realizing it.' I shrugged- it didn't matter anyways- the book that had landed on my head was not a book that I possessed before, which meant that it was probably the book the pegasus had dropped.

I levitated the book over to her, and she blushed. “I- I was picking this up for a friend! I'M NOT AN EGGHEAD!”

I blinked as she flew away so fast that she exceeded the speed of sound-and/or-rainbow. I could tell that she had exceeded the speed of rainbow because she caused a 'sonic rainboom'- which I somehow knew was the result of breaking the aforementioned speed of sound-and/or-rainbow barrier.

“Hmm,” I said to myself, “since she didn't want me to think her an egghead...” I laughed far more evilly than was appropriate for anything less than stomping a pile of puppies whilst simultaneously setting a box of orphaned kittens on fire. Nonetheless, I laughed like a maniacal, puppy-stomping, kitten-burning monster.

In all of my evil laughter, I forgot to actually state my evil plan. I amended that.“I shall call her “Miss Egghead” the next time I encounter her!”

With that, I decided that I had done enough evil for the day, and walked into the library like a bat out of Tartarus.

Very politely.

'It seems very strange that bats from the underworld are known for their politeness,' I thought, 'but I don't think I'd lie to myself...' I frowned. '… Would I?'

“Oh, it's you!” I was pretty sure that I recognized the voice as belonging to Twilight Sparkle, but she didn't sound nearly as unpleasant as she should have. I was also pretty sure that the purple alicorn that looked exactly like Twilight Sparkle was, in fact, Twilight Sparkle, but she didn't look very upset, either. In fact, she looked... apologetic? I wasn't certain. I had never been very good at reading facial expressions, according to Olivia.

“Listen, RG... I'm sorry about the way I acted before. Princess Luna sent me a letter explaining everything. I'm sure that must have been horrible, not knowing what was going on, then being magically held in place for almost a day...”

'In all honesty,' I thought, 'it wasn't really that bad. If it hadn't happened, I'd have been stuck doing research.' I didn't say what was on my mind, of course.

“Don't worry about it. I was still learning how to walk anyways.”

She recoiled. “That doesn't make me feel any better about it. In fact, that makes it feel a lot more like you were completely helpless.”

I shrugged. “I get the feeling that I used to be pretty good in a physical confrontation. I just don't really remember how to do it anymore.” I chuckled. “And that's another reason I'm glad to have Olivia around.”

“Um... do you wanna have some tea or something?”

“I kinda came here to do some research, actually.”

“Kobolds- more specifically, how to avoid slaughtering them.”

Twilight sighed. “You really lost all of your memories, didn't you? Sorry, it's just... a bit hard to truly understand... I'll have Spike make us some tea.” She turned to face the stairway and shouted “SPIKE! I NEED TEA!”
“WHAT KIND?!” Came the reply.

“THE REALLY DIFFICULT EXPLANATION KIND!”

“ALRIGHT!”

Twilight turned back to me. “Come on,” she said softly. Her capacity to go from shouting like that to being calm and patient was a little jarring. “This is probably going to be easier to take sitting down.” She led me to a room on the other side of the tree/building. Everything was wooden, and the table in the center of the room appeared to have been carved out like the rest of the room- as if whoever had been doing the carving had said to themselves, 'This last bit would make for a good table if I just rounded it out a bit, and I won't have to work as much.'

She levitated two cushions out of a receptacle cut into the wall, then placed them across the table from one another.

We sat.

“I don't like that I have to be the one to tell you this, but... I feel that I owe you at least this much...” she cleared her throat. “You killed a Hydra yesterday, right?”

I nodded.

“You've already killed a sentient being, then,” she said.

I frowned. I wanted to deny it, but I knew she was right. It was speaking. In the same language I speak. I couldn't say anything. There was nothing to say.

“Part of what makes a lot of monsters so dangerous is their intelligence. Think about it.”

I did.

“The ability to think is a powerful one. A Kobold- a tiny little lizard-person- is about as dangerous as a gigantic bucking bear. Because a Kobold can think.” She waited, as if letting that sink in. “The other reason that a Kobold is as dangerous as a bear, is the fact that Kobolds are evil. Kobolds don't care about ponies. They don't care about their own kind, either. A Kobold serves itself, and lives in a tribe with other Kobolds because it is smart enough to know that it would die if it didn't. A Hydra is even worse- Hydra enjoy exerting their dominance. It's disturbingly common for a Hydra to go on a killing rampage, laughing and having a good time while slaughtering an innocent little everything-in-its-path.”

She paused again. “You wanted to find a magical means of deterring the Kobolds, right?”

Against my better judgment, I nodded.

“Imagine you're a Kobold. You love yourself, and you enjoy killing things, setting up traps so you can torture things, kill them, and possibly eat them- you're also pretty fond of those shiny things you sometimes steal. Then, along comes a unicorn. She casts a spell that forces you to bend to her standards of morality, and denies you all of the things you love. She violates your mind, warps your reality into some twisted nightmare, all because she didn't want to just kill you.”

I shuddered.

“I assume you had a backup plan, too?”

“We were going to bribe them with better tools for hunting.”

“That seems nice, until you realize that they would immediately go and use these new weapons to raid ponies' homes and farms- if they were good enough, they might even start hunting ponies.”

“So, killing them is really the only solution.”

“Yes. Believe me, RG, other ponies have tried, but monsters are called monsters for a reason. The only disadvantages of a world without monsters would be that monster hunters would be out of a job.”

“...Alright.”

“You don't have to like it. In fact, I'm glad you don't. If you were out killing the monsters for the fun of it... well, she who slays monsters must be careful that she herself does not become one. Believe it or not, evil is a constant force in Equestria. It corrupts, destroys, brings ponies to ruin... ponies are a happy race because, as a whole, we are ignorant of the danger surrounding us. And, believe it or not, it is that happiness that keeps us safe... usually.”

A small lizard walked into the room. He was purple, with green spines that reminded me of a mohawk. Had he not been carrying tea stuff, I would probably have freaked the buck out.

Twilight laughed nervously. “I guess the tea came a little late.”

A teacup was placed before me and filled with tea. “Thank you,” I said. I levitated the cup to my mouth and drank.

“Wow,” I said, “I never knew I disliked tea so much.”

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Olivia stood patiently at the counter in the coffee shop- I arrived just in time to hear her order. Lucky me. “I like my coffee like I like my mares- strong, dark, a tad bitter- but with enough sugar to offset it, preferably large, and- if at all possible- pipin' hot.”

The mare who operated the coffee shop was obviously taken aback by Olivia's strange rant about her bizarre tastes- in both mares and coffee. Despite her discomfort, the barista pony made a large coffee that (I assume, as I have never actually asked) met all of Olivia's expectations.

I looked up at the clock hanging over the coffee-mare's work space. Both of the hooves of the clock were pointing straight up, at the overly-fancy rendition of the number twelve. 'It's probably noon- the atmosphere here is way too lunch-y for it to be midnight. Also, the sun was almost directly overhead when I was outside, and that was, like, thirty seconds ago, tops.'

For some reason, I had an easier time figuring out what time it was from the sun's position in the sky than any clock- though I wouldn't learn this for awhile yet.

Olivia sat on a cushion at a small table- Trixie, I noticed, was there as well. She had a book open, and appeared to be reading it intently. After a moment, I decided that it would probably be better to leave them be- I didn't feel like drinking coffee, and I wanted some alone time, to think about the whole 'monsters are usually sentient, but always evil' thing. 'The Hydra wasn't a problem because it was obvious that it could be dangerous, and it was so evil that it couldn't even get along with its own heads. Kobolds... I haven't seen one before, and I don't know what they're like... hopefully, I'll find them sufficiently threatening to free my conscience and allow me to slaughter them like dogs- vicious, rabid dogs.'

On that happy note, I started my adventure around Ponyville.

And, by 'adventure', I mean 'walk'.

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“I'm sorry, Derpy,” said a pink unicorn mare, “but I can't stay.” The mare in question had a light brown mane, eerie green eyes, and a cutie mark that appeared to be a muffin. The mare she was talking to was a gray pegasus with yellow hair and matching eyes, though her eyes were pointing opposite directions. She was, for some reason, ridiculously adorable.

“Please, CC, don't go...” begged the pegasus. I wasn't sure if Derpy was her name, or a nickname. She was too adorable for me to actually care, though.

“I wish I didn't have to go, Derpy, I really do. But I told you I couldn't stay a long time ago. I can feel the weave of fate tugging at me, pulling me to my destiny.”

Derpy made a determined face. “I understand...”

“... The face you're making right now tells me that either you don't, or I haven't gotten to know you nearly as well as I thought.”

“You can go, Cupcake... because I'll come with you!”

“Derpy...” Cupcake sighed. “I can't do that to you. I can't drag you along on a dangerous journey- let alone take you away from the ponies who love you.”

Derpy crossed her fore-hooves across her torso, her wings rotated in their sockets in a very fascinating way to accommodate the shift in her flight posture. “Ponyville is full of wonderful ponies, and I'm sure that they're all good friends... but they're not good friends of mine.”

Both of them stopped. “You're serious about this, aren't you, Derpy?”

“You're my best friend.”

Cupcake smiled. “I'm glad to hear that.” She looked directly at me, which made me realize that I'd been eavesdropping- worse, I'd been eavesdropping very conspicuously. “Derpy, I need you to go to Zecora's hut, on the outskirts of the Everfree Forest. I want you to roll around in the blue flowers there, then rest with Zecora... can you do that?”

Derpy nodded. “I won't let you down!”

Cupcake nodded. “I know. That's actually kind of the point, if I'm honest... now, go, Derpy... I have somepony to talk to.”

Her green eyes flashed in a very unnerving way as Derpy flew off, tumbling through the air clumsily.

My eyes followed Derpy for a moment before looking back at where Cupcake had been just a moment before.

That she had moved didn't surprise me.

That she had silently closed the gap between us in the moment I looked away... that surprised me.

In fact, it surprised me a lot. “Hello,” she said, her voice dropping to a harsh whisper, “I want to join you and your friends.”

I coughed- not a real cough, one of those nervous fake ones that you do to show everypony that you're nervous. “Umm... I... well, what is it that you do?”

“That... depends. What exactly is it that your group does?”

I frowned. 'Is she one of the shadow/echo/whatever ponies that Princess Luna was talking about? Is this going to happen often? … Why else would she ask to join us without knowing what it is we do?'

“We're monster hunters. We just accepted a job to go and take care of a tribe of Kobolds in the Everfree Forest.”

“... Very well. I shall meet you there- you'll see just what it is I do.”

I frowned. “Don't do anything rash- I'd really rather not have somepony going and getting killed. I don't need that on my conscience, too.”

“Don't you worry about me... just look for the green eyes. You'll understand.”

“Okay,” I said, taking into consideration her ninja abilities, “I'll believe you. You did just move far faster than I had previously thought was reasonably possible, after all.”

“I teleported. It's a basic spell. All unicorns learn basic teleportation as part of their standard curriculum- just like pegasi learn to fly around with their fore-hooves crossed all day, and earth ponies learn how to tone their flanks and thighs or... whatever it is earth ponies do to be so... sinewy.”

“Teleportation, eh?” I set a new goal for myself. “TO THE LIBRARY!”

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“Wow,” Twilight said, “I'm impressed, RG. You've read through all of the beginner-level spellbooks in...” she looked at a piece of paper that she was levitating in front of her face, “a little over three hours.”

Spike, her baby dragon assistant, gaped. “What?! There are like, eight!”

I nodded. “Yes, but they're beginner-level spellbooks. I only learned the spells that actually have any sort of potential usage at all. Teleporation, Improved Telekinesis, Remote Ignition, Detect Evil, Transmute to Iron...” I grimaced. “And plenty of others. What I wanna know is, why do little foals need to know how to transmute things to iron or light things from far away?”

Twilight shrugged. “I know the implications seem... unfortunate... but these are the basis for more advanced magics- Remote Ignition, for example, only really works on something that's quite flammable. It also happens to be the basis for spells like Fireball and Chain Lightning- the energy focusing is very similar, and having the ability to tell a student to cast it the same way as a spell they've known their entire life makes it much simpler.”

“Transmute to Iron just seems to be way to convenient, though... I mean, Iron is pretty much the basis of my offense- I don't even need to buy it anymore.”

“And it's far better to teach little fillies and colts to make things into Iron than, say, Plutonium.”

I shrugged. “I know, but... it just seems like it's too easy.”

“That's because you're reading grade school-level spellbooks.”

“Why do I not like where this is going?”

“Because you're staying here and studying until your friends come and get you! And that's final!”

“BUT MS. TWILIGHT-”
“Ahem. That's Ms. Princess Twilight to you, little filly.”

“FINE!”

“So it is.”

Spike clutched at his head. “WHAT IS GOING ON?!”

I pouted at him. “Ms. Princess Twilight thinks that I need an ehjahmacashun, for some reason,” I whined.

Spike sighed. “I don't understand anything.”

I levitated the first book of the Anything series. “You've gotta start small, my young padawan.”

“And you had better start reading the intermediate level spellbooks, young mare,” Twilight said sternly, telekinetically brandishing a yardstick in a way that was far more intimidating than it probably should have been.

“Looks like you've gotta start small, 'young mare',” Spike said in a mocking tone.

“You know,” I said, “There are times that I'm really glad that I blew up my dragon egg exam...” I didn't remember it, of course, but I remembered that Olivia told me, and I needed to put Spike in his place.

“Spike, didn't you say that you would dust the shelves this morning?”

“... Strange,” the dragon muttered, “I... feel a sudden urge... to dust those shelves.”

“You bet your scaly, purple hide you do...” Twilight grumbled. I giggled at the baby dragon as he bolted fearfully from the room. “Don't you laugh at him!” She swatted me with the yardstick. “Get to reading!”

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